This Mourning

Many widows have told me time and again that the second year is worse than the first year. Going by the tears I have shed in January alone would prove that to be true. I think I've cried more tears this month than I did all last year.

It's different though, there's no more shock and denial, just an ache in the depths of my soul. I can hardly say this without crying. I'm still having to deal with things that are major triggers. Still receiving mail for Michael even though he never lived here. I can't get social security to remove his name as head of household. Even though they have his death certificate and they've quit paying him. I received a settlement check the other day then I'm having to go through hoops to get them to write the check to me. It all just keeps everything so right there in front of me.

Plus, now the real missing is going on, this is reality he's not coming back. My bedroom door opens every time the air conditioner starts and I look up expecting to see Michael standing there 😢. (Note to self... Make sure the door is latched. )

I also get when you say they just want me touched again. Don't realize how important touches till the main man in your life is not there to you, loving you. Michael left many physical things behind beautiful notes reminding me off the good person I am in God. But oh, I could take a big hug from him right now. (Note to myself and to you reading this. When you see a widow, ask them if you can give them a big hug.)

Many widows say they just want their life back. And I get that but I learned this back when I lost my health and my ministry. That there ain't no going back. That life is done and over whether we like it or not.

Now comes the surrender. The part where we look to Jesus and we say, "yes Lord yes to your will and to your way I'll say yes. " Sometimes it's a daily thing; sometimes it's an hourly thing. Because all you really want is to feel his presence. To touch him one more time. Though you know, it won't be enough.

There's only one way through this mess and that is forward. No going back as much as we would like to. We must keep our eyes on Jesus. We must look to eternal things, my widows might devotion said today from 2 Corinthians 4:18. " We do not focus on what is seen, but what on his unseen. For what is seen as temporary but what is unseen is eternal. "

Yes God's ways are not our ways. They are much higher than ours. Death was not God's

original plan. That was Satan. But God is doing everything he can to save us from eternal death. He sent Jesus to save us and he sent his Holy Spirit to walk with us day by day moment by moment. And that's what I must hang my hope on. Michael made it through. Death might have won momentarily, but now he has eternal life. And I intend to keep going forward until I'm with Michael again... Even through these tears.

Keep praying. I'm feeling those prayers. I need those prayers.

Mandy

The nice things about a hug, is when you give one you get one. So even if you don't get this until Thursday, get out there and start collecting hugs.

Blessings!

Mandy